


Before You Go

by eddie_dxaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depressive Thoughts, Domestic, Drinking, Drunk kiss, Eddie loves Buck, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Suicide Attempt, buck is oblivious, firefam - Freeform, happy ending though I promise, im so sorry, more Evan Buckley angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-22 11:44:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22382386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eddie_dxaz/pseuds/eddie_dxaz
Summary: Based off the song by Lewis Capaldi. If you know the song it makes this 100x more emotional.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 16
Kudos: 311





	Before You Go

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide attempt, description of depression, suicidal thoughts, and description of suicide attempt

They usually would have noticed, but they didn't. He couldn't blame them, though. Buck was so good at hiding his own pain for the sake of others. It wasn't right. For the past month, he's felt just so low and stuck in his own head. 

The man was starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, everyone would be better off without him. Christopher would have never been in that tsunami, the team would have never suffered that lawsuit, and no one would have to constantly worry about him. No, not worry. Wait for him to screw up again. 

Buck stared into the mirror, taking note of how miserable he looked. Tonight Bobby and Athena were having a party for her birthday. It was meant to be a night with all adults, no children or teenagers. (Or as May liked to say "almost adults.") He sighed. Then, fixed his hair a bit before practicing a smile just to make sure that no one could see through him.

The quietness of the apartment was a reminder of having no one, really. Everyone has someone. Bobby has Athena, Athena has her kids plus Michael and Bobby, Maddie has Chim, Hen has a whole family, and Eddie has Chris. Sure, Eddie, Chris, and Maddie were there. Sometimes, if he allowed it, he'd realize it was only because they had to be. Maybe they felt bad. 

The silence bouncing off of the walls was driving the young man nuts, so he grabbed the bag he had packed earlier. Then, stopped to stare at the paper next to his bed. Maybe he wouldn't back out. 

***

Bobby was setting up the cooler out in the backyard when he heard Athena greeting someone. The sounds of the two people talking got louder. He turned. 

Standing in the living room was his beautiful wife along with the boy he had somehow managed to grow a father-son like bond with. The sliding glass door was opened. "Hey Bobby!" Buck called out. 

The tall man stepped out, a smile on his face. However, it didn't quite match his eyes. The blue wasn't as radiant as it usually was but he decided not to ask about it. It's been a tough couple of months and the last thing he wanted to do was open up a barely healed wound inside that boy.

"Hey Buck," He greets, hugging him before pulling back, "Here a little early aren't you?"

Buck looked down at the floor, chuckling, "Yeah well, you know how much I like spending time helping you guys."

That was true. There's been countless times where Evan Buckley was here before everyone else, assisting Bobby in cooking or Athena in planning everything out. The kid managed to organize a whole Christmas party for them. If there was one way to describe Buck, it would be that he has a soul too generous for the world. It was his downfall and his superpower. 

He was an empath. The captain knew that from the very bottom of his heart. Not as much as Hen but definitely was at least close to the same category.

Athena smiles, "Good because you know I'm going to put you to work."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." 

Pretty soon, they were all doing the jobs assigned to them. Bobby was grilling burgers, Athena making the rest of the food, and Buck finishing filling the coolers or decorating the backyard. He tried not to notice the deep frowns that littered Evan's face when he had thought no one was looking. The older man made a note to talk to the kid sometime soon. 

Maybe let him know how loved he is. Everyone on their team would drop anything to help if they could. After everything that had happened? They now recognize what they all have. A family dynamic that the captain had tried so hard to fight off ever since he'd first heard Buck call him "pops". But now, he had known that there was no preventing it. Not with Buck around. 

Speaking of Buck and family.... "Where Eddie?" Bobby asked, as if it was out of the norm for them to show up separately. Which, it was.

Buck turns, licking his lips before speaking, "At home with Chris sorting out babysitting. I needed a night alone to think about some things so I wasn't at his place last night." 

"Everything okay?"

"Between me and Eddie?"

Despite the assumptions about those two, that response still had the captain widening his eyes. "I wasn't aware there was a you and Eddie?" 

Buck's skin tone suddenly matched the hue of a tomato as he held out his hands, shaking them along with his head frantically. "No, there's not. I mean there is," He huffs, "But not like that. Not that that's not okay! I mean it wouldn't be a bad thing- You- Hey wait no that-"

"Buck," The captain laughed, "Breathe." 

The man listened. His height decreased significantly as he slumped. Bobby noticed how dark his eyes had suddenly looked and some type of alarm went off in his head. Something wasn't right. 

"Even if there was something there, I'm not..."

That was it. That trailing off and the distant look clouding the usual bright features wasn't sitting right at all. Bobby put the burgers on the plate, turning to fully face the kid, "Buck, are you okay?" 

He put on his best father-like worried expression. Because Bobby was. There was something tugging at his gut telling him that he was running out of time. It was ice cold. Buck opened his mouth but was cut off by more guests showing up. Just like that, the moment of opportunity had vanished. 

***

By the time Eddie had arrived, all of his friends had already been there for an hour or two. Being greeted by a very tipsy group of adults was hilarious all in itself and was enough to get him out of the funk of worrying about Christopher. Not totally, but it wasn't ruining his whole mood. He gave brief hugs to everyone. 

Then, made his way through to Buck, who was in some type of debate with Chim away from everyone in the kitchen. What he wasn't expecting to hear was, "You can't propose like that!"

"Why not?" Chim asks. 

Buck groans, "Because that's stupid!"

"What do you mean? She loves Mission Impossible!"

"No she tolerates Mission Impossible because she loves you!"

Eddie shakes his head, watching Buck's beer bottle fly wildly with every word spoken. He grabs the man by his shoulder, smiling. His heart soars at the award wining grin he gets back as two arms wrapped around him in greeting. That hug wasn't brief at all. When they pull away, Buck opens a beer that was sitting on the counter before handing it to him. 

The man tried to ignore the thought telling him he was saving it for him for when he'd finally arrived. Their friend's eyes were the size of saucers. Almost as if it was like they had just done something totally shockingly different, maybe even couple-like. But they hadn't. 

Eddie got comfortable, standing awfully close to Buck before facing Chimney who was on the other side of the counter. "What did I miss?" He asks, taking a sip of his beer. 

"I'm planning on proposing to Maddie," Chim smiles, snapping out of it.

Eddie responds back with, "Congratulations, man." 

"No," Buck shakes his head, shifting his weight onto his good leg, "His idea is too stupid."

Chimney rolled his eyes before explaining the idea. He was planning on doing it this weekend after they watched the next Mission Impossible movie in the series. It wasn't bad. 

"I mean, whatever you think is best. It's your engagement. I think she'll be happy with whatever because it's you," Eddie sighs. Buck was staring at the brunet like he had just stabbed him in the heart. Chimney stands up straighter, motioning to Eddie. Soon, they were back to arguing. Then, Maddie came up. The conversation died off pretty quickly. She looked around at them in confusion before a slight look of panic replaced it, "What? Do I have something on my face?"

The question was followed by her bringing out her phone to check on the camera. Buck grabbed Eddie's wrist and pulled them away, a look of amusement across his features. They were across from Hen and Karen now. 

"Hey guys," She said. Karen waved to them, eyes moving to where the taller man still had his hand on his wrist. Eddie felt his heart sink when Buck moved it away. 

"How's the kids?" The older man questioned to relieve any tension, "Are they behaving?"

"Of course. But Denny misses Christopher and wants to hangout sometime soon. Maybe even have a sleepover?" Karen suggests.

As much as the idea freaked him out, he knew that Chris would enjoy that. The older the boy got, the more independent he became. Plus, Denny was a good kid and an even better older brother. Hen and Karen have started fostering a little girl named Amelia and she was the sweetest thing in the world. Karen was very happy to have a girl who's hair she could actually do numerous styles on. 

Denny was so good to her. They were definitely going to eventually adopt the ball of sunshine. Her big brown eyes and small curls won their hearts the moment they'd laid eyes on her. She was five and her parents were drug addicts so she was born addicted to whatever they were on. It was terrible. But the family had some experience in dealing with parents like that so she was in the best possible hands. 

"Yeah, I think that will be good for him," Eddie smiles, "I'll see if I can get Carla or something to drop him off sometime this week. Is that good with you, Buck? You had no spontaneous plans this week right?"

The man shakes his head, as he rubs the back of his neck with his hand. It was set then. Karen forms her mouth in the shape of an 'o' making eye contact with Hen. Hen speaks with a voice a little too high, "Buck, why don't you drop him off? Amelia has been dying to meet you. Christopher brags about you both to her all of the time and she's met Eddie but never you."

The man doesn't miss a beat , "I can't. I got something to take care of."

That wasn't the answer any of them were expecting. That showed clear as day on the faces of three other people standing around him. There was something disconcerting in that sentence. Hen felt it too. She made locked eyes and it’s him. That was off. 

That was wrong. 

"It's just an errand," The blond explains, "Nothing too bad but I just don't want to make plans and disappoint you guys when I can't do it." 

"Okay, Buckaroo..." Hen trails off, not sounding fully convinced but didn't push. 

Buck has never not told him about something that occupied his week. They were close. Maybe not as close as he thought but still. Somehow the conversation was changed back onto Denny and Amelia, which they didn't mind. 

"Who wants shots?!" Chimney calls out. The distress in his tone revealing that Maddie was obviously getting close to figuring out something was up so he needed a distraction. Why not? What could happen? 

***

If you asked, Eddie couldn't tell you what happened. They were just suddenly all drunk off their asses trying to find a scary movie to watch. Bobby and Athena were curled up next to each other on the couch, trying to take the laptop from Chim who claimed he had the best movie to watch. Maddie snatched the device from her soon-to-be fiancé and pulled him down next to her on the other side of the couch. 

Athena had given the rest of the group pillows and blankets to get comfortable on the floor with, as they've moved the coffee table and chairs out of the way. The bubbly energy was nice. It felt as if they had no worries in the world. It was new. Plus, Buck sitting so close to him was great too. Hen was on the other side of him, focusing on the makeshift sheet screen for the projector with Karen cuddled up next to her while munching on some popcorn. 

Eventually, Bobby picked IT. Within the first twenty to thirty minutes into the movie Eddie felt suspicions about two of the boys being secretly in love. Richie definitely was. Hen and Karen make eye contact, nodding. Once there is a semi-quiet part in the movie, Buck suddenly calls out, "Eddie and Richie are in love. I'm calling it."

Hen, points at him, "I was thinking the same thing!"

"Really?!" Buck slurs, sipping his beer again, "Wow, we're like on the same train of thought." 

Karen nods, "Yeah, you can totally tell!" 

Eddie agrees while Bobby pauses the movie as Maddie sits up. This was going to be a whole huge conversation filled with a lot of questions. Athena covers her mouth trying not to laugh. "No way! How can you guys tell?" Buckette asks, eyes the size of golf balls.

A hand claps his shoulder as Buck laughs, leaning his head into the crook of Eddie's neck . The man blames the alcohol for the heat he felt appear on his cheeks. Athena places a hand on Maddie's knee, "Because honey, we're just good at it. Some people can just sense when other people are in love with each other.”

"We're?" Hen asks, looking up at her friend. 

"Henrietta, I am an officer of the law. I pick up on the most subtlest of hints." 

Karen tilts her head as if saying "that checks." Chim then loudly complains about them not playing the movie and has totally missed what was going on. "Chim, I love you, but shut up," Hen states casually, "You're yelling." 

"I'm not yelling, just speaking very enthusiastically." 

Buck lifts his head, now moving so his arm is wrapped around Eddie. Maddie gaped at the two. "You're ruining the movie, Howard!" Evan says pointedly.

"Nothing's playing, smartass."

Bobby, being the only sober one, looks between Eddie and Buck with mixture of confusion and slight betrayal. That only happens when he knows he's been lied to. What did they do wrong? Athena turns to him, "They're drunk. I don't think they notice." 

Realization comes across their captain's features. Notice what? Buck and Chim were still arguing so Eddie grabs his best friend's face, turning it so he can't look at him. The man puts a finger to Buck's lips because honestly, he’s had enough of their bickering tonight. The blond visibly swallows. 

An emotion that Eddie has only seen once in a kitchen about a month ago flashes in those blue eyes. It was want. There was something else there too. A certain innocent charm held it, as if it could break any moment. Eddie's gaze flicked down to taller man's lips. Karen throws popcorn at them. 

Buck immediately snaps out of it, "Hey!"

"I will sit in between you if you both don't behave," Karen points an accusing finger at them. Buck removes his arm to cross it against his own chest, lip sticking out in a pout. He felt the lose of the heat and tried to ignore the aching of his heart. 

Eddie went to move over to sit on the other side of Karen but felt two arms wrap around his waist and pull him down. Without warning, he was resting between Evan Buckley's legs, back to his chest. Holy shit. He couldn't ignore it, now. Especially not at how fast both of their heart's were going.

Buck rested his chin on his best friend's shoulder, "You're not going anywhere."

Bobby tells them all to quiet down and starts the movie again. A blanket was resting on top of both of them out of literally nowhere. Where did that come from? Oh God, how drunk was he? 

As the movie continued, Buck squeezed him lightly with every jump scare. Eventually, Eddie was tracing patterns onto the arms wrapped around his chest absentmindedly. Buck practically slumped in relief. Who knew? A man who rushes into burning buildings without a second thought was terrified of scary movies. 

He already felt that the others kept glancing at them. Did he care? No. His mind felt like it was spinning without halting anytime soon, anyways. 

Pennywise started messing with the kids in the house, causing Buck to grab his free hand underneath the covers. A slight smile appeared on the brunet's features. 

Once the movie was over, Bobby and Athena headed off to bed. Karen and Hen were already knocked out completely along with Chim and Maddie. Bobby, being the father figure he was, adjusted them so they were comfortable. The couch was still too small, though. 

Athena placed a hand on her husband's bicep, "We can put her in May's room."

Buck stood up. He nodded at the two before picking up his older sister and started following them towards the open room. The married couple followed. While they were gone, Eddie stood up and placed a blanket on Chim. He also grabbed a pillow. 

After carefully maneuvering around the sleeping people, he collapsed on the floor. The alcohol was causing everything to slant slightly at this point so walking was starting to get pretty complicated. Buck came back into the room. He hugged the other two awake people.

Eddie watched. That man was so great. No wonder he was so helplessly in love. Wait? In love? The blond turned around as the two made their way into their room, looking like his breath stopped when he saw Eddie sitting on the floor. Buck smiled. 

"Tonight was a good night," He says, coming over to sit very close. 

Eddie nods, staring at his best friend like he had designed the whole damn galaxy. Their shoulders were touching, along with their arms, and thighs. Buck turns. Blue met brown. The air charged with something thick. 

Buck stares at the ground, the smile gone. Whatever was just there disappeared almost as abruptly as it came. 

"Eddie," Buck swallows. It felt wrong again. Now that Buck wasn't surrounded by people, whatever disguise he had put up was crashing around him. Eddie grabs his hand. 

"I-," Buck grabs his face, lightly, "I need you to know you are the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. But you deserve better."

Doesn't he see? Why can't this man ever understand that he's not the worst person in the world? That everyone loves him? Eddie stares back at him, "You are better, Evan."

Sober him would never have said that. Something told him, though, that he had to. The man stared off into nothingness, "No. I'm not."

Eddie went to speak but Buck had laid down, facing the opposite direction. He sighed, "I can't make you believe me but it's true. I won't push."

He laid down too, staring up at the ceiling. It was quiet for a couple of minutes, aside from the sound of the other people in the room snoring. Eddie thought about Christopher. Hopefully the kid was having fun at his friend's house. The boy had been so excited to just hang out with people his age that he had hardly even remembered to say goodbye to his father. Eddie hadn’t minded though.

The sound of rustling made him turn his head. A pair of blue eyes pierced back. He found himself now flipping so he was laying on his side, facing his best friend. "Do you ever think about how you're going to die?" Buck asks, voice cracking. 

What kind of question was that? The only thing that shocked him more than the question was the answer his foggy brain had managed to give. "All of the time. But I don't care as long as you're there with me."

Buck look stunned. His cheeks were a deep red as Eddie racked his hand through the blond locks on the top of his friend's head. Somehow, it lands on the side of his face. The man's heart was doing fucking somersaults at this point but he manages to whisper to Buck, _"Estás muy bello."_

As if the other man couldn't take it anymore, he surges forward. Two pairs of lips crash against each other. Eddie smiles into it, a warm feeling replacing the rapid thudding that had been there seconds ago. It held a lot of weight, that kiss. 

It held want, impatience, and so many other things. But the most important part of it was it held love. Love that they've been fighting off for so long. That was foolish. Of course they'd find their way to each other. They were Buck and Eddie. 

Buck pulls away, a look of content resting across his features, "Thank you."

"For what?" Eddie furrowed his eyebrows. 

"For letting me do that." 

As much as the man was confused by that, he just rolled his eyes and instead kissed... his whatever they were now...again.

***

Halfway throughout the night, Bobby decided to come out and check on all of his friends. That's when he saw them. Buck and Eddie were a tangle of limbs on the floor, arms holding each other as if their lives depended on it. He felt a small smile appear on his lips. 

The captain went to go back into the room but the sound of Eddie stirring stopped him. The younger man blinked a couple of times before his brown eyes found Buck. The brunet smiled. 

Buck mumbled, opening one eye, "What? Is everything okay?"

Eddie just nodded. Then, the craziest thing happened. Buck placed a peck on his "best friend's" lips before readjusting them slightly. After that, they both fell back to sleep. Bobby stood, frozen. In a way, it felt as if the captain had been spying. 

Robert stood straighter, shaking his head. Yeah, there was nothing there his ass. They were getting a long talking to tomorrow right after he claims his money from Chim and Hen.

Maybe he’d been too worried about Buck. Maybe the kid was okay.

***

Eddie woke up the next morning alone with a raging headache. The sun hurt. He squeezed his eyes shut to block out the evil light. Behind his eyelids, memories from the night before had started replaying like a movie. Holy shit. Buck had kissed him. He kissed Buck. 

Eddie reaches back with his hand, patting where the man had been. Except the only thing that came from that side of the floor was the sound of a paper crunching. He turned over, rubbing his eyes. Hen was still asleep across the room, Karen in her arms.

A note was left neatly on the pillow, face down. The spot on the ground was still warm, meaning that wherever the taller man was, he hadn't left that long ago. Eddie yawned, picking up the paper. 

_"To Whoever Is Reading This,_

_Thank you. Considering that it was Bobby, Maddie, or Eddie finding this note, you have no idea how much you meant to me. It’s not your fault."_

Eddie sat up abruptly, ignoring the rush of pain that movement caused. He continued to read.

_"It was my own fault. I was the screw up. I couldn't keep anyone safe for long and I constantly made everyone worry about me. I'm not good. So please don't come to save me. I'm not worth the trouble anymore and that's totally okay. I messed up. I lost Christopher in the tsunami, sued the department, and just kept getting hurt. I'm a burden. After Abby left, I always wondered why. But now, it's clear. People are just better off without me. Plus, living with these nightmares and flashbacks from the truck and tsunami really took its toll on me._

_“So Bobby, if you found this, thank you so much for believing in the stupid kid that used to steal the truck. God. I was so stupid. But you helped me. You were the dad I always wanted. You were someone other than Maddie that I could look up to. You're family. I meant it when I said you were one of the most important people in my life. I’m sorry to do this but it’s just the best thing for everyone. I love you like a father. Remember that._

_“Maddie, thank you. I love you so much. You'll never know how much I cared about you. You're my big sister. I could not have asked for a better person to be my #1 supporter. You're my best friend. The first person who knew about my feelings for Eddie before me, even. Then, when I felt I was ready to talk about it, you were there. No judgement, no pressure, just support. It’s always been that way, I guess. Please don't cry. I'll be okay wherever I end up after. Stay with Chim, okay? He loves you so much..._

_Eddie... Oh God I'm so sorry. I've failed you so many times, yet you stay. I can't let you do that anymore. I appreciate it but you deserve better. I'm not what you want or need, trust me. You're my best friend (aside from my older sister of course), the one who can make me smile no matter what, someone I'm afraid to lose, a person that taught me that the fairytale crap in Christopher's movies can exist, and the man that I love. I love you, Eddie Diaz. It's my first time ever acknowledging that I completely fell for you, which is terrible but it is what it is. But it's because I love you that I know I can't be around anymore. I lost Chris. I screwed you over. I'm going to continue messing up because I'm just that idiot that. Thank you for teaching me to love again, even if you don't feel the same. I'm sorry for doing this to you after Shannon but I just can't live like this. Tell Chris I'm sorry and I love him. Please."_

Eddie was on his feet now, slipping on his shoes while reading. There was a little side note in a different color.

"Ps... sorry for kissing you. Now I've done it again. I screwed this up and I'm sorry. See you someday I guess... 

I love all of you so much. Thanks for being my family and having my back no matter what. It was more than I deserved.  
~Buck."

"No, no, no-" Eddie breathes out, rapidly. Hen starts to stir a bit, looking at him in confusion as the man spins in circles. His keys. Where were his god damn keys?! A cold hand had gripped his heart and was squeezing it into dust as every second passed. Time. He needed more time. It was moving too quick. 

"Ed-" Hen goes to say but is cut off as the fireman runs across the room to the coffee table, literally tripping over Chimney who had fallen off the couch last night. In the process, the note had floated to the floor. Henrietta lightly picked it up, putting her glasses on so she could read it. 

Eddie growls, practically tumbling over the table. Where the hell were his fucking keys?Maddie comes out of May's room as he rushes up the stairs to check on the key ring. "Woah, where's the fire?" Chimney asks, sitting.

Hen gasps, "Cap!"

Everyone but the man searching the house looks over to her as she gets up, shoving the note into Chim's chest. Eddie rushes back down the stairs, hands shaking. Hen pounds on the door. Meanwhile Chim looks up from the note, "Eddie, let's go. I'll drive."

He nods, following Chimney as they rush out the door. Eddie watches Maddie get practically dragged out by her boyfriend because that's her little brother. She needed to be there.

"What's going on?" She asks.

Neither of them had the heart to tell her. Once they were in the car, however, they let her read it. The older Buckley was sobbing. Bobby ran out of the house faster than any of them had ever seen, getting into his own truck, Athena and Hen on toe. Karen stood in the doorway, on the phone. 

It was complete chaos. Two different cars speeding off at God knows how early in the morning to get to Evan's house. Maddie was in the back seat, repeatedly calling him. Eddie flinched every time she screamed at the voicemail to call her back. It wasn't even fully light out. The sky was a dull color. Was that because of what was happening or the smog from the city?

His foot bounced all the way to Buck's apartment building. Once they were there, he had hopped out way before the car even stopped. He was running to the door, Athena somehow not that far behind him. Throwing open the door building, both of them rushed upstairs. The others were not too far behind. 

Once Buck's door was in view, Eddie immediately jammed the key in, unlocking it. "Buck!" He called out. The apartment was far too quiet.

But there was a bag on the floor so he had to be here. That thought was less than comforting. Everyone starts searching the apartment, finding no signs of the man. Where was he? 

Wait, the door to the bathroom was closed. Now, after spending so much time with the Buckleys, their behaviors have tended to find its way into the Diaz household. One golden rule was that the door to the restroom has to always be open, unless it was occupied. That was it. 

Eddie ran to the bathroom. “Buck!” His voice shook now. He went to turn the doorknob but it just jiggled slightly. 

Athena, who had been trying to find anything that told them where their friend was, had her attention focused on the man that was pounding on the door now. She pushed him aside, lightly. Then, reared her foot back before slamming it into the door twice. A loud crack had echoed throughout the apartment along with the bang of a handle hitting wall.

Time had started moving in slow motion as his world fell apart at the sight in front of him. An empty orange bottle, a couple of stray pills littered across the floor, and a limp body sprawled out on it’s back. It was like Shannon all over again. 

“Evan!” He choked out. 

His own voice sounded like he was underwater, feet leading him to the mess of limbs on the tiled floor. The ice hand from earlier had now came back, instead crushing his heart completely rather than just squeezing it. The man rushed into the bathroom, knees hitting the ground hard.

Buck’s eyes were closed, lips a slightly bluish color. “No, no, no,” Eddie sobbed. He grabbed his best friend’s face, feeling shocked at the slightly cold temperature underneath his palms. Shit. Quickly, he checked for his pulse. 

There was nothing. Bobby stood in the doorway, his knees shaking as if they were about to buckle in at any moment. Maddie was screaming, being held in Chimney’s arms. Eddie rolled up his sleeves, starting chest compressions. 

“Come on, Evan,” The man murmured, trying to drown out his surroundings, “Come back.” 

He paused, felt again, and nothing. He redid the process over. Eddie couldn’t breathe himself, all of his emotions threatening to spill over at any moment. It’s too late. They should have gotten here quicker. Maybe they could have stopped it completely. “Por favor, bebé, vuelve a mí,” He begged, as if Buck could hear him, “Vuelve a mí.”

As if the universe had been on their side, when he felt the next time, there was a tiny beading underneath his fingertips. He coughed out in relief, “I’ve got a pulse!”

The team quickly snapped out of it, going into full work mode. They managed to keep him alive until the paramedics came and started to begin the transport to the hospital. Maddie picked up the bottle from the bathroom, following them. 

As soon as the older Buckley was out of sight, he let it out. That whole time, they had to be strong for Maddie and show her that they could bring her baby brother back. That Evan was going to be okay. None of them had believed that, though, until Buck pulled through. 

It was quiet. Athena hadn’t even bounced back yet. They brought him back, sure. But Evan Buckley had died. Not just died like it was natural or a freak accident, but purposely tried to rip himself away from this world. None of them saw it coming. Why not? Why didn’t he see something? Anything? Buck died. Buck fucking died. 

No, Buck committed suicide. 

It was all too much. Eddie promptly backed away from Hen. She was still on her knees, eyes wide as she trembled furiously. He glanced at Chim, his brown orbs focused on nothing, mouth opening and closing. Athena, who just looked so thrown off and slowly sat down in shock. Finally, Bobby. The man’s blue orbs darting back and forth while his chest heaved. If it weren’t for the fact that the captain was sitting, Eddie was sure the man would have collapsed by now. 

The firefighter had looked away from the 118, resting his vision on one of the many pills on the floor. His stomach flipped. It was happening too quickly and the silence was cutting the wound deeper by the second. A lump had formed in his throat. His heart ached. Buck had died. A strangled noise somehow managed to get through without the man’s permission. 

Next thing they knew, Eddie had whipped around to throw up in the toilet. Hen shook out of it slightly, rubbing circles onto his back in comfort as he literally sobbed into the bowl while puking up whatever the hell was in his system. This had started a chain reaction. Athena took one look at the people she had come to love and broke. 

The picture of Buck lying on the floor, blue lips, pale skin, and face void of any emotion. Then, the look on Eddie’s face that quickly went from fear to full terror. Maddie’s cries like a part of her had been forcefully ripped from them. Bobby running over before fumbling backwards a couple of steps. That feeling of knowing it was too late. 

She stood, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Eddie watched as made her way to be with them in the bathroom, before sitting next to Bobby, taking his hand into hers. It was a silent agreement. They needed a moment. 

But they weren’t that lucky. Eddie closed the lid. As he flushed, an officer came in. They knew her. She worked at the same station as Athena and would occasionally join them for dinner at the firehouse. 

Her name was Cameron Rollins. A memory of her meeting everyone emerged. She had her uniform on but that didn’t take away from her attractiveness. The woman had blue eyes almost as bright as Buck’s. Buck. She had tried to flirt with the man a couple of times and him being the great person he is would just be friendly back. 

The day that she asked the youngest member of the 118 out, he had just smiled before whispering something to her. The girl had backed off. She even apologized to Eddie, which was weird.

“Can anyone, um,” Rollins swallowed, “Tell me what happened.” 

Eddie sat on the closed toilet seat, explaining the situation to her as best as he could.

“Can I see it?” She asked, “The um-“ 

He nodded slightly and felt around for the note. Shit, where was it? Bobby pulled out it out from his pocket and stared down at the piece of paper, clutching it. The rest of them watched in shock. Tears welled up in their Captain’s eyes as he looked up to try and stop it from happening.

He shook his head, snapping it towards the note again. The man’s face screwed up before he let out a shaky, “Help.” 

Hen immediately rushed over to their friend as he broke down sobbing. Both her and Athena held Bobby from both sides as the officer took the note. Cameron left to give them privacy. Eddie and Chim came over, joining in.

***

Buck had flatlined on the way to the hospital, they learned. They pulled him back. So now here the little family was, sitting in uncomfortable ass chairs awaiting something. Anything. It’s been an hour. No one has had any contact with Maddie. 

Thoughts were rushing through Eddie’s head. Why hadn’t Buck said something? Probably because he had known his so called best friend wouldn’t take him serious and just tell him to move on. Stop feeling sorry for himself. What kind of friend was he? 

The man started torturing himself with everything he could have said or done to stop this. Prevent it from even crossing Buck’s mind. Ever. Eddie was too late, though. That why he’s in this chair. That why he’s in this freaking hospital. 

Eddie felt exhausted and the headache from the morning had returned. Plus the bruises from tripping over Chimney and the coffee table were very prominent now that the adrenaline had completely died off. But he waited anyways.

***

At ten A.M. Maddie came in to finally give them updates. He had ODed on the pain killers that were given to him from his leg surgeries. Buck had refused to take them back then but Eddie faintly remembers the man getting them just to please his older sister. 

The look on her face revealed she remembered it too. Eddie wanted to reach out but the woman quickly shook the thought away. 

“They pumped his stomach,” Maddie sighed, smiling sadly, “Now we’re just waiting for him to wake up. They said that when he does, they want us to go in separately so we don’t overwhelm him. I’ll go in first and try not to turn this into a lesson for right now.”

Chim rests a hand on hers, “I’ll be right there with you.”

“I’ll go last,” Eddie coughs, “And I’ll stay with him while you relax for a bit.”

Maddie nods, “Thanks but I don’t know how much relaxing I’ll be doing... I just don’t understand-“

She cuts herself off as she sobs. They all comfort her the best they could. 

***

It was twelve thirty when Eddie finally got to see the man he loved. As he opened the door, the man fought with everything in him not to break down sobbing when Buck made eye contact with him. Just like the night before, he watched the blond’s chest seem to halt any movement completely. Neither one said anything. Neither dared to move. Buck sat in the hospital bed, Eddie stayed in the doorway.

His eyes felt heavy. As much as he tried to hold it all in, bottle it up, nothing was working. Buck wasn’t dead. He was alive, staring at him with so much regret that it physically pained Eddie. 

“Eddie,” Buck finally breathed out.

Bam, there it was. The thing that caused a total breakdown to occur. Eddie shuffled in, sitting on the end of the bed before crying. Crying like he had on the beach that one day after Shannon had died. Buck heaved himself up, wrapping his arms around the brunet. 

It felt so good. Yet, so surreal. He reciprocated the hug, appreciated the warmth radiating off rather than cold like earlier. “I’m sorry, Eddie. God, I’m so sorry.” 

Eddie pushes away, pointing a finger at him, “Don’t ever do that again. I’m serious, Evan. Do you know what it felt like? To expect to wake up and have you there only to find a suicide note where you were supposed to be? Then-then to come to your apartment and find you on the floor dead?!”

Buck’s head snapped up, “What?”

“You died, Buck! Twice. I don’t want you to feel like you screwed up but God, man. My world fell apart. Everything around me crumbled to the ground without warning and I lost you. Okay?! What were you thinking? Christopher loves you so much. If you didn’t make it, what was I supposed to tell him? Huh? What was I supposed to say? Sorry kid, but your father messed up again and couldn’t get to Buck in time so now you have to deal with another death.” 

“Stop,” A hand grabbed his, “This isn’t your fault.” 

“I should have known, Buck. I should’ve been there for you. I could have said something- did something different. Then, maybe this would have happened. But I always tells you to just shake it off. That you’ll be fine. You weren’t fine. And-“

Buck was shaking his head, frantically. His eyes were red and brimmed with unshed beads of water. He swallowed, pressing his lips into a line before talking, “Eddie, this was never your responsibility.” 

“Yes it was!” The man laughed dryly, “Because I didn’t just fail Christopher. I failed you.” 

The room felt thick with something unsaid. Was it good? Was it bad? He had just laid his heart on the table, what else was he expecting from himself. A thumb brushed over his knuckles, causing a fluttering feeling in his chest. Oh, right. That.

“Eddie, you couldn’t fail me if you tried. You know that right? I never came to you because I genuinely feel like such a burden all of the damn time and had been so stuck that I just wanted out. I wanted peace.” 

Eddie flinched. 

“But the second I swallowed those pills, I realized I’d had made a mistake. They say that almost everyone who survives this will say that they realized it was a stupid decision. That’s true, at least it was for me. I remembered that letting go of the bad in my life meant also getting rid of the good. I should have come to you, Eddie. And I promise, on everything, I will for now on because the look on your face right now? It’s destroying me. I know that me being... gone... isn’t the best thing for you, or Christopher, or Maddie, or anyone.”

Eddie dared to look at Buck. When they locked eyes, all he could see was sincerity and regret. Any anger or sadness had been washed away. Now, all that was there was relief. And love. 

He loved Evan Buckley with all of his heart. Right now, though, they would have to wait. This wasn’t the right time. They both needed to heal from this and get back to normal before diving into anything other than friendship. Friendship with feelings. Like it has always been. It didn’t hurt to put the thought of one day out there, though. 

“I love you.” 

Buck’s eyebrows raised and his mouth hung open. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, one that he wasn’t aware was even there in the first place. “I love you so much,” Eddie continued, “But I can’t-“

“I know. Neither can I. If we’re going to do this, we need to do it right...You want to do this right?” Evan asks, voice filled with doubt. 

“More than anything.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so sorry this was sad. But I’m publishing a cute one literally in five minutes too so don’t worry. You can have some fluff too!


End file.
